Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
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I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Air conditioning – not a fan
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*