I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
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Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day