The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Dammit Chief not again
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators