Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
sugar glider wrangler
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this