My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!