*pronounces fake like saké*
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.