“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
asking santa clause for nudes
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.