That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
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*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.