Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
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the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
english majors be like furthermore
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.