Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
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K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Just why bro?!
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards