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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Okay
nothing saves money like being antisocial
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
so, is there a mister shapen head
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not