[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
You Might Also Like
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋