[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
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me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life