Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
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Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
barbara was highly relatable
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?