I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Florida man
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”