As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Saturday
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.