just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
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me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.