4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?