One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.