*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
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You sure about that?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.