I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
gm
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
That’s easy for you to say
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple