If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
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Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.