Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
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Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous