Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin