Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Name another movie that mislead you?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
