Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
You Might Also Like
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!