*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
![]()
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
![]()
![]()
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”