*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
only 11 steps left
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Autocarrot sucks!
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*