*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
no such thing as a dumb question
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”