I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
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*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
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One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch