barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
pizza
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.