‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
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13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.