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Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Worth the read.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire