*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old