[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .