No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
just having fun
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
they really do be looking like this
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Herpes is trending, good job people
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]