If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 馃枻
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not sure why everyone acts like it鈥檚 so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I鈥檓 dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
If your kids aren鈥檛 drinking enough water, tell them it鈥檚 bedtime.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Purgatory but it鈥檚 just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child鈥檚 face while taking a picture of them. It鈥檚 called balance.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren鈥檛 gonna care about your silly little sign
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
May your ex鈥檚 phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
The two types of wives
I can鈥檛 get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.