The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
#Caturday
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi