I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Love it! 👍😂
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
He wanted to make sure😂
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
