I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it