Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
It鈥檚 my son鈥檚 birthday this week; so we鈥檝e been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Monday Lisa
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should鈥檝e seen that coming.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
馃悤馃嵎
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.