“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.