my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
all that yoga finally paid off
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
bad news gang
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.