My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Put a ring on it
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
There are no pants in heaven.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas