Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald