Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.