Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.