I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
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Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob