I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
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I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.