[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
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I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.