It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Oh. My. God.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu