i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
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I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is