Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
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Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Spring of Deception
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
moms in horror movies
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.