Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
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GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
good work, everybody
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.