good work, everybody
You Might Also Like
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news