If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
never compromise your values
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
#damn
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
much to think about
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???