[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
WHY?!
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
this article brought to you by lions
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?